


The Gap between Heaven and Hell

by Icantfindacoolnamesothiswilldo



Category: Bohemian Rhapsody (Movie 2018), Queen (Band)
Genre: Classical music VS rock, F/M, Fluff and Humor, Friendship, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Inspired by Music, No Smut, Smile, i don't think so
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-30
Updated: 2019-02-11
Packaged: 2019-10-19 10:35:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 14,955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17599685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Icantfindacoolnamesothiswilldo/pseuds/Icantfindacoolnamesothiswilldo
Summary: In 1969, Jenny's life was all about classical music. Not about rock. And not at all about Roger Taylor. Right?Or: Queen's beginnings as Smile, with an original character mingling in the mess.





	1. Chapter 1

I used to have a friend called Madeline.

I know, you weren't waiting for this beginning. But it's basically Madeline's fault, or responsibility, if everything that happened happened. Not mine, not theirs, not his. Just hers.

Okay, maybe I'm being unfair.

Nevertheless, it all began with Madeline. Without her, I wouldn't have discovered Smile and its members. I wouldn't have met this world that was so different from mine.

So it all began one day of September 1969. I was at home, and the phone rang, and guess what? It was Madeline, all sweetness and kindness, as if we had last seen each other three days before. Madeline and I had been friends when we were in high school, we got along pretty well even if we were different. After A level, though, our paths had parted. We weren't studying at the same place, and even if we both lived in London ... Well, I guess I am not teaching you anything saying it's a big city. So I hadn't really heard her voice for a year or so. I was pretty much surprised when I heard her enthusiastic voice on the phone.

'Jenny, how are you?' she said, and without giving me time to reply she went on.

'I wanted to call you for a while, darling. I just hoped you were still living at your parent's, and there you are...'

I wasn't exactly there, but you and I know there is no arguing with Madeline. Don't you have your own Madeline friend? She would make you eat an ice cream during winter with her chattering power.

'Listen, I really want us to see each other. I miss you, Jenny! You're such a friend to me. I just realised that. I don't have much time right now, but listen. Tomorrow I will be at the Europa pub around 7 ... Can't you manage to come? It would be so lovely to see you!'

At that moment, she seemed to be out of breath at last, and I used this break to assure her that I would be glad to come, that I was quite well and that I was looking forward to hear more from her.

'Very good, she shouted. So see you tomorrow night!'

And with that and some details about where I would find the place, she hung up.

I stood still two seconds before shaking myself. This was kind of strange, but after all, I didn't see what bad could come out of it. Madeline had always been peculiar ... So I shrugged and I went back to my piano. I had some music to do before heading to school.

Next day's planning was a bit crowded. It was a Friday and I had many classes, two exams and by the time my working day was over, the only thing I wanted was to go to sleep. All my thoughts were focused on the softness of my pillow, waiting for me in my child bedroom ... The last thing I needed or wanted was to travel across the city to join Madeline in this pub I had never been to. I avoided pubs, to be frank. But it wouldn't have been fair to take my word back, so, after dropping my things at home I hurried to the bus stop ... And missed my bus, as I did every other day. The sun was going down and I waited for the next bus, yawning. Without any other trouble, I got in my second bus and eventually reached the part of London where the pub was supposed to be. But I was already pretty late. I hoped Madeline wouldn't mind. I got lost, however, and I felt like I had asked a thousand times 'Can you tell me the way to ...?' by the time I finally arrived before it.

Alright, I confess it. I suck at planning and finding my way and doing two things at a time. I'm also kind of shy, but in a strange way. I mean, I'm shy until I'm tired of being shy. In nineteen years I haven't been able to get how it works, so don't try. I'm just telling you this because ... Well, even though I was so late, it took me ten minutes or so to gather my strengths and push the little door. There was light inside, and noise coming from it, noise that was ... Music? Definitely not the kind of place that I was used to.

I'm shy but courageous, so I finally pushed the little door and found myself in a random pub. It really had nothing special. A band was playing at the other side of the room, there were customers, talking and sipping their drinks and laughing rather loudly ... And there was Madeline amongst them, waving at me. I realised how much I was relieved to find her and managed to join her.

'Jenny, I'm so glad you're here! But you almost missed everything, I think it's almost finished! Anyway, listen and watch' she told me as I sat.  
I looked at her more carefully as she reported all her attention on the band that was playing. She wore a black dress and looked really smart. Apart from that, she still had her long ginger hair, that little nose that boys liked so much (why?) and I even recognized one of her rings. She was the same Madeline. The Madeline that made you do a journey to join her and then didn't talk to you ... I ordered a cappuccino and began to drink.

It was all really strange. Maybe it was because I was not in the mood, or maybe because I had just arrived ... But something made me uncomfortable. I gazed at the room ... And then I understood. What disturbed me was the music. It was so loud. The drums were beating and echoing in my head and I felt like it was going to kill me. Or at least kill my ears. It was horrible. I hated it. And it was no surprise. I hated rock and all these types of music that people were so fond of right now. I didn't see the point in an electric guitar. Singing along all this noise, a singer was trying to make himself heard.

'Do do do, do do do ...'

But do what? I asked myself. Do go? Oh, I would have loved to, but I didn't dare to be so rude. Next to me, Madeline was somehow swinging to the inexistant melody. She looked like she had never heard something so great in her life. At the end of the 'song', she burst into applause.  
The singer, who was wearing an odd green shirt, told us that they were now playing their last song of the night and that it was called 'Earth'.  
This one was softer, but I didn't like it more. There was nothing catchy in it, I thought ... But at last it was over and we clapped our hands once more and Madeline rose on her feet and catched my arm.

'Uh, where are we going?' I asked, puzzled. 'I haven't finished my drink!'

'Just come!' She said. 'Let's greet them.'

'I'm not sure ...'

'Come on! I need you to be part of the crowd!'

She threw a quick glance towards the band, whose members were putting down their instruments. She let out a little giggle and sat down again to whisper in my ear.

'I needed you to come tonight because I must approach them. I come here every time they play and ... Don't you think the drummer is hot as hell? So I've studied all this a lot, and I have come to the conclusion that sometimes he singles a girl out from the crowd, but only when this crowd is particularly big. With all the people that are here tonight, I've got all my chances.'

'But how do you know that it will be you, and isn't this insane and stu ...'

She didn't let me finish. She grabbed my arm with such strength that the only thing I could do was follow her.

And I discovered that she was kind of right. There was a bunch of girls that had massed around the band. Eight, maybe. Most of them were focused on the drummer, who was speaking with a tall blond girl.

Whoops. Actually, the tall blond girl was the drummer, he still hold drumsticks in one of his hands and played with them carelessly. Talking to a young man who seemed really passionate. How could anyone be passionate about that kind of music? From what I had understood, I suspected Madeline to be keener on the drummer than on his drumming. It made her rise in my esteem somehow. Not excessively though, because she was still holding my arm and we were going past the ranks of groupies that were throwing us bad looks. We finally got to the front row and I realised my mistake. Now that I was nearer, I didn't see a woman in the drummer at all. His hair was long, and his face was delicate and handsome and whatever, I guess ... But he had muscular arms, not too much though, and his voice was a man's one.

He greeted the other guy once more and Madeline made a step forward. She had unleashed me at last. I rubbed my arm where she had hold me. I now knew what she would do if that drummer wasn't paying her attention enough. I made a step backwards and another girl was happy to step ahead. Then I looked up at Madeline who was now saying that she had enjoyed the concert so much and that she could listen to them playing all day long. He replied gently that he hopped she could do that soon, because they had recorded an album during the summer. She was enthusiastic about that idea, so enthusiastic that she touched his arm, bit very softly, not at all in the same way she had grabbed mine a few moments before. Then he threw a look at the bunch of girls amongst which I was stuck. And our eyes met.

Yeah, I know, this sounds terrible. But you don't know how impressive his eyes were. They were so black. I can only say that. The whole room suddenly seemed to be shrouded with a mistery that was not there before. It seemed like the temperature had dropped or risen, I didn't know which and couldn't decide. Couldn't draw any conclusions out of it because ... Because he was now so beautiful that it hurt me even to look at him. So I turned my head as soon as I could and I focused on my trainers. I was the only one with trainers, I realised. This was really interesting, wasn't it ? I wore trainers, and a pair of jeans, and one of my usual white t-shirts, and all the other girls were dressed to kill. Or at least, their clothes were the ones I would have put on if I had wanted to go to a wedding. Or a particularly classy event. Clothes! They were all I wanted to think about right now, until I could retreat from this place ... And then I heard his voice. Nearer than before. I lifted my head.

'Hey. Your friend says it's your first time here. So did you like the concert?' he said, giving a little nod towards Madeline whose eyes glowed.

'Uh. Well. No. To be frank. Uh. Shouldn't have said that.'

No, I shouldn't have. But it was all I could do without meeting his eyes (thing which would have killed me otherwise). I turned away and went back as fast as I could to the little table were my coat laid. I grabbed it, threw some money on the table and ran away.

My cheeks were burning. They burnt until I got home.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Jenny tries to forget she heard the word 'rock' in her life (spoiler alert: of course she fails).

I am quite good at forgetting the things that make me uneasy. So the day after I had made such a fool of myself and half destroyed my ears I carried on with my life just as I used to before. After I woke up I emptied my mind with five pancakes and soon afterwards I was ready to go to class. I'm a second year student in uni and I focus on classical music. My dream is to travel all around the world as a concert pianist. However, I am well aware that I might just end up as a piano teacher. I know it and whatever my fate may be, I am determined to not worry about it whilst I can. As long as playing the piano is part of my life, everything will be alright.

So, that next morning I dedicated all my time to play and I drowned gladly into these marvelous notes that piano masters seemed to have written down just for me centuries ago. I played until I didn't know who I was, where I was and at what time I was living. There's no need to say that the gig was far behind me.

My life went on just as easly and quietly as it did before. I was feeling better everyday. When I was at school, I was surrounded by the other students' melodies, and when I was at home I had my own piano to chase away the silence. Nothing disturbed me. Even Madeline hadn't tried to call me again after that regrettable evening. I sometimes wondered if she had succeeded, if eventually that drummer had fallen for her, whatever his name was, but that was all.

I guess I wasn't so much at peace with myself after all, because it all came back in a dream about a month later. I couldn't say exactly what happened in it. The thing is, when I awoke I was sort of desperate. I felt tears pushing their way through my cheeks and one sentence kept repeating itself in my head. I'll never see again the planet earth, my earth. I couldn't understand why I was so distressed. Yes, man had walked on the Moon last June, but it hadn't made me feel much at that time. So, if it was not about astronauts, what was it? I slowly calmed down, before remembering where these words came from. It came from one of the songs that I had heard at the pub in September.

Even after that mistery was solved, I had trouble concentrating that day. I had that class that has always been one of my favourites, History of 16-18th century music, but even my classmates could tell I wasn't listening. I am particularly in good terms with a girl named Charlotte, who comes from France, and she didn't stop eyeing me during the whole class. At the end of it, she handed me her notes, saying :

'Usually it's the other way round but I'm sure you won't mind my poor handwriting this time.'

I just smiled at her. Charlotte is great. I love the way she doesn't manage to pronounce some words, like 'poor'. It somehow sounded as if she had just poured something and I laughed.

'There you are now! I don't recognize you today, Jenny!'

We headed off towards the cafeteria. She kept speaking to me about next day's rehearsal for our charity concert at the end of the year, and I listened to her as if I was at some distance.

'What on earth is troubling you?' she finally asked after we had sat at one of the tables.

'Uh? Nothing.'

'Come on Jenny, I've been speaking French to you during the last five minutes and you just didn't react. I didn't know you could get a word of it, and yet you kept nodding from time to time. And I have never seen you unfocused in class. You're the best student this department ever saw, so what is it?'

'Stop flattering me Charlotte, you and I know I'm not the best here.'

'No?'

''Course not. You're just scared that I might not give you my notes from now on', I said with a big smile to show her that I was joking - trying to.

She laughed but tried to meet my eyes. I focused on my sandwich.

'You haven't answered my question. Is there something wrong at your place, or ...'

She didn't finish her sentence. I could fill the gap with whatever was on my mind. Sometimes, I wondered why Charlotte wasn't studying psychology, even if listening to her playing the violin was like going to heaven.

'Nothing's wrong, don't worry' I told her. 'It's just a dream I made during the night. I don't understand it ...'

I took the slice of cheese out of my sandwich. Neither this food nor that dream were good for me ... But I couldn't tell Charlotte about it. It would have made it too real. And still, all my concern was stupid. Why would I quit the Earth?

'You don't want to talk about it.'

'It's not you ...' I began, but she stopped me. She took the cheese from my hands and put it in her own sandwich.

'Jenny, this is not so disgusting,' she smiled. 'It's like gruyère.'

Noticing I was lost, she explained:

'It's like French cheese. Anyway, let's stay on topic here. This dream that has changed you into the shadow of your former self is obviously linked with our world, right? I think you should dig as much as you can. See what you can make out of the real thing that has upset you or did you something. Try to understand why ...'

Psychology again. Charlotte is so great.  
Suddenly I was hungry again. I took a mouthful of my sandwich. It definitely tasted good without the strange-cheese-like-french-cheese. And I knew what I had to do, even though I wasn't sure whether I would have the guts to do it.

That night, I would go back to the pub and get the mess sorted.

 

The pub wasn't crowded when I got in, much earlier than a month before. I hadn't got lost and I had catched my two buses in due time. This explained why the only customers were me, an old woman in a corner who seemed asleep (she would soon wake up, I assumed) and a big mass of hair facing the counter. After hesitating for a while, I gathered my strengths and joined the man who had such a wig. I sat on one of the bar stools next to him.

'Hi?' I said.

'Hi' replied the guy.

He turned his head to face me and I was impressed. His hair was so curly that it could easily have been twice longer as it seemed to be.

'Can I be of any help?' he asked.

He had a kind voice. I liked voices. They were part of my world, part of music - the kind of music I liked, I mean.

At that moment, the barman came in and I asked for a beer. When he left, I turned halfway to look at my neighbour.

'Actually, you may be able to help me' I said. 'Do you know if there's a band playing tonight?'

'Yeah, but the show is only beginning at 6. You still have ...' He checked his watch.  
'You have about an hour to wait.'

'Doesn't matter' I replied with a smile, 'I'm not in a hurry. What's the name of the band?'

'Smile. I'm ...'

He didn't finish his sentence and chose to finish his glass in silence. Then he asked :

'Do you know that band?'

'Yes. No. I'm not sure.'

He raised his eyebrows and I decided to explain everything. He was nothing to me after all, and since he seemed to be there for the band too, we still had some time to kill. Moreover, I felt more and more confident talking to him. Like if he was my brother or something like that - but I couldn't say because I never got a brother, even if I asked for one for Christmas when I was 5.

'Are you ready for a long story? I asked.

'Wait' he stopped me. 'I can't listen if you don't tell me your name.'

I smiled again. Here was my brother.

'I'm Jenny.'

'Brian. Nice to meet you. Tell me everything about your private life now.'

He looked amused, but I knew he wasn't making fun of me. He just seemed too kind to do that.

'I came here in September. To see a friend. And there was a band playing, but I don't remember its name. I didn't pay attention, really. But there was one song that talked about leaving Earth and never going back again. I had forgotten everything about it, but when I woke up this morning I was so sad and I couldn't stop thinking about it. So I'm here to sort it out. Quite silly, don't you think?'

'That song's Earth. Definitely Smile.' he answered.

'Oh, great ...'

'You know what Jenny? You should tell the lead singer that his song made you cry. He would be so happy to know it - apart from your tears, which is not something to rejoice about, it means that his song is quite good.'

A goofy smile hung on his face. I had to deceive him.

'Actually, my plan was to stay in the shadows, hear this song from beginning to end to pull it out of my head and then go home unnoticed.'

'Why?'

Brian seemed to be really surprised. I guessed speaking to the band after the show was something people did, him included.

'I could tell that to the singer, right? It would be a praise. But then it would be worse than before, because I would have to tell him that I hate his music, and not only his but the whole group's ...'

Poor Brian seemed even more puzzled than before.

'Look, I know it's gonna sound weird, but I hate rock and all these kinds of music. It's not against this group, it's just me. I'm a piano girl, I study classical music at uni.'

He quietly asked me why. I drank some of my beer. I feared my new brother would just run away, but he didn't seem to be willing to.

'There's no melody in it' I finally said, more firmly than I had intended to. 'It's just a noise following another. I don't see any link between them. There are too much details that go against the others. Like, say you'd play the guitar, but at the same time another guy would beat the drums like his life was at stake, and there would be another guy with a bass, and a singer on top of it, and all of you would follow you own music ...'

He seemed bemused by my explanation. We sat silent for a while.

'I'm sorry if I'm annoying you' I said. 'I don't know why I told you all this. I'm not used to unroll my whole story to strangers ...'

'It's alright, and it's really interesting. I had never seen my favourite music like that' he kindly answered. 'Could you do something for me tonight? I'm gonna have to go out in five minutes and I want to be sure you don't end up with your ears bleeding or something, if listening to rock'n'roll is so painful to you.'

'You're not staying for the show?' I asked, disappointed.

'I hope I'll get back in time' he said, 'but just in case ...'

'Alright, go on.'

'I want you to listen to the music as a whole thing. Don't pay attention to the fantasies of each player. Just stick with the main melody. Try to follow it, don't let it escape you. It's the only way to avoid being lost. The details you can only pay attention to once you know the melody - when you're used to the song.'

'Sounds like a good piece of advice' I smiled. 'Thanks.'

'Okay, now I've really got to go, I am meant to meet some friends. Look, if I don't see you before the end of the show, will you come back next week? Smile's playing every Friday. I'd like to know if the music was more like music, and what happened with Earth.'

I didn't hesitate.

'Sure. It's the least I can do after bothering you so much.'

'You didn't' he repeated like before. 'See you, Jenny.'

He left, and I remained at the counter. I really felt like that man's little sister. I just hoped that it was the same on his side. I looked at my trainers and thought 'I'm sure I'm not his type. Not sophisticated enough. No risk.'

People were coming in now. The pub filled itself slowly. Eventually, I was glad I had arrived so early. I wouldn't have had a chair of mine if I hadn't. Soon I was surrounded by men and women sitting and standing next to me. Smile was more famous than a month before, for sure. I and the rest of the crowd waited patiently until the guys arrived. The singer came first. Then, the blond drummer climbed on the little stage and I was glad I had a big neighbour to hide behind, although I didn't think he would remember me. And then ... Then came a guy with brown curly hair, holding a red electric guitar. I looked at him with astonishment. Brian. Once more, I had made a fool of myself. What was wrong with me? But then he searched for me in the crowd. Our eyes met and he blinked at me. He didn't look angry at all. Somehow, it helped me relax. If a rock player could forgive me for not liking what he did, why couldn't I forgive myself?

They started playing. Again, the noise was astonishing. But instead of pressing my hands against my ears as I longed to, I tried to put Brian's advice in application. I had been so right when I had said that it was the least I could do.  
I closed my eyes, focused. There were so many different melodies ... But indeed there was one that was stronger than the others, that kept repeating itself ... There was a rhythm. The rythm was the key, so I stuck with it. And I lost it a couple of times, but every time thereafter I managed to find it again. I was so focused on my job that I lost count of the tracks they played. Then Brian spoke in the mic and I opened my eyes that I had previously closed.

'This last song is dedicated to a special girl in this room. In the hope that she will find it meaningful this time.'

Many of the girls in the pub took it for themselves, but I didn't care. I closed my eyes again and the song began.

I might be at a table  
And suddenly I'll catch  
A fleeting vision of her crystal sees

The beginning fit so much with my current situation that I was instantly carried away with it. I felt like I was floating in water. And this song was softer than the others so I didn't have any trouble following the melody. Because there was a melody, obviously. It was quite beautiful, now that I was used to it. I even found myself moving my shoulders to the rythm, which was quite puzzling, but I carried on. At the end of it, I applauded with the rest of the crowd.

I wanted to congratulate Brian but ... Shyness unexpectedly came back. To be more precise, it came back when I saw a bunch of giggling girls rise at the same time and kind of rush towards the musicians. Groupies. I was not to be mistaken with them. Nevermore. They were stupid. The only thing they cared about was looks.

So I took my coat and paid the barman. As I got out, I glanced back at the group. Brian was laughing with two girls dressed in pink. He would not miss me. I could go home unnoticed.  
It's what I did. I threw myself under the blankets and soon enough, I was in the middle of a dream that involved the earth, a band and giggling girls.

I can't tell if it was a dream or a nightmare, though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think ! I know it's not quite good, but still I'd like to know.  
> Chapter 3 will be there soon!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hello ! This chapter is a bit longer and I really hope you'll like it.

The next morning, I brought Charlotte one of the scarves that filled my closet. She had said she wanted the same the one and only day I had worn it at uni. I don't like scarves, and even though it was a present from my parents, I was sure they wouldn't realise it was gone. They had been offering me gifts I didn't use for nineteen years. On the contrary, Charlotte was very glad to have it. She immediately wrapped it around her neck and asked me in a triumphant voice:

'How do I look?'

'Magnificent.'

'Thanks Jenny. But you know, you shouldn't give me a present every time I eat your cheese for you. Or is it because you discovered something thanks to your dream?'

I made a face.

'The lastest, I suppose. But I want to be sure. Listen, what type of music do you listen to when you're at home?'

She was startled, but it's my job to startle people. She was used to it and answered Cooley.

'Classical music, I guess. Isn't it what we live for? Especially violin and orchestra records. Although my parents are fond of jazz, so whenever I miss them I listen to some of the records I have brought with me. Will you tell me why or do you want to be sure first?'

What I love about Charlotte is that you don't have to tell her everything. She's your friend, but she doesn't ask you to share all of your secrets with her. And she doesn't share everything with me either. Fortunately the rehearsal began at that moment, so I didn't have to decide whether I wanted to answer or not.

I didn't get distracted during the rehearsal, which was a good thing, because we were fifteen playing together, and I had a pretty difficult part to play. At some other moments, however, the two other pianists were taking lead and I just had to follow them and I could listen to the music as if I was outside of it all. And when I listened more carefully I began to hear some little details that were not going in the same direction than the main melody. I just hadn't realised it. It was like in rock, I just hadn't been able to catch it, so sure as I was of my own chords. I nearly missed the next couple notes but managed to carry on.

After we were done, I waited for Charlotte as she packed her violin. It was one of my privileges, as a pianist. I didn't have to carry my piano all around the campus with me. Teachers used to tease us about that, saying that if we didn't get good marks they would have us bring our own piano every time we needed to play.

'What a Saturday!' cried Charlotte, stretching her arms. 'It shouldn't be allowed to make us come during the weekends. I should be sleeping right now.'

'Come on, it's half past eleven!'

'Well, yeah. On Saturday, I have a rule that says I am not allowed to get up before noon.'

'And what do you do if you're awake before deadline?' I teased her.

'I lie still! Even if I want to scratch my foot!'

We laughed. Someone went past us and for a second I thought it was the blond Smile drummer. But it was a real girl this time. I recognised her now, she was our only harpist and she was in third year. I stop smiling at once. No, I would not think about that drummer. I had successfully avoided to look at him the day before, I could swear he hadn't seen me. Everything was alright.

'You're silent again' observed Charlotte. 'Your problem isn't over even with my advice?'

'I guess I'll have to dig a little further.'

Then I tried to joke as before, but it didn't convince her - it didn't even convince me.

 

By the end of the week (and we were a Saturday, remember?) all I wanted to do was to go to the pub again. Mostly to apologize to Brian, first for having left without greeting him, and then for having criticized his band so much. A little part of me also wanted to hear that Earth song again. The lyrics were stuck in my head ...

However, when Friday finally came (after a week made of doodles in the margins of my notebooks and apologies to Charlotte for not listening to her) I couldn't even go to the show. Our neighbor, Mrs Atkins, needed someone to babysit her children while she went to see her sister. My father, who didn't know I had planned to go out, had said that I would be glad to help, and here I was, sitting in that awful living room of theirs, surrounded by brats instead of listening to the song I longed to hear. I didn't like these kids. They were noisy and they spent all their time arguing with each other. In case you're wondering, there were four of them and the older was 9. The smallest, a 3 years old toddler, was my favourite until he decided to chew my hair. The only fun thing of my evening was when I realised that, even a month before, I would have gladly chose to hear children crying and screaming instead of rock. Sometimes, I can't understand myself.

Hopefully, there is a Friday per week, and as my parents had seen my face when I had got home after my lovely babysitting, they didn't make the mistake a second time. I set off early. I just hoped my guitarist would be there.

Spoiler alert : he was there. I recognized him at once. His hair couldn't be mistaken with someone else's. He didn't turn around when I got in, and I sat next to him as I had done previously.

'Hi' I said, feeling like my life kept repeating itself.

'Hi' he answered without looking at me. His cup of coffee really seemed fascinating.

'I'm sorry' I said very fast, before I didn't have the guts to say it out loud. 'I'm such a coward and a stupid little thing. I'm sorry.'

This time, he looked at me. A wide smile spread on his face.

'Oh, come on, my dear Jenny, I can't be mad at you because you left without saying goodbye to a boy you had just met and who had lied to you about his ... Commitment to a certain band. Can I?'

'Well ... You're right, I don't know you, but I feel like I ought to. You know, like if you were my brother from whom I have been separated at birth?'

He frowned.

'In that case, little sister, shouldn't you have said goodbye to you older brother?'

'Goodbye' I said, doing as if I was leaving, but he seized my arm.

'Don't leave yet, the show hasn't even began!'

'Alright' I said. 'I'll stay if you tell me more about you. Last time I only talked about myself. This was so self-centred that I've been ashamed for two weeks - by the way, I'm sorry I didn't come last week, I was detained against my will. So tell me everything about you, it's your turn. How long have you been playing the guitar?'

'I got my first guitar when I was 7, and now I'm 22 - do count for me.'

'And do you do something apart from shows?'

'Well, apart from the shows I play music' he joked. 'I got my BSC last year, and I'm still studying. I'm in astrophysics.'

'Wow. Quite far from music.'

'Yeah.'

He took another sip of coffee.

'I'm considering dropping it, though. Depends on your opinion. Is our music worth it?'

'You shouldn't rely on my sole opinion to decide of your whole future' I said hurriedly.

'Wise enough. Still, what do you think?'

'I ... Well, I'm not sure I really like your music.'

He seemed a little down and I added cautiously :

'However, there's definitely something worth everything in it. As a stranger you met only once, I am fully entitled to forbid you to ever stop playing.'

'That's what you really think?' he asked.

I nodded. Next thing I knew he was holding me in his arms. Which was kind of cute but also uncomfortable as we were still sitting on those bar stools.

'You're wonderful Jenny.'

'Oh now, Brian's got a new girlfriend!' shouted a voice behind us.

Brian let me go and we turned on our stools to look at the newcomer.

'I hope I'm not interrupting,' said the man who'd just come in. His skin was tanned and his black hair was pretty long too. 'I could have sat somewhere else and watched you from there, but I am too honest to do that. So who are you, girlfriend-of-Brian?'

'Hey Freddie, I didn't expect you so soon!' answered Brian who didn't seem in the least startled. 'Of course you're interrupting, but Jenny's not my girlfriend. She's my little sister.'

I could hear the smile on his face as he said that. He wrapped his arm around my shoulder. As none of us blushed, "Freddie" was convinced he was not lying.

'I'm happy to meet you, sister-of-Brian. Let's sit at one of the tables, okay? This way the three of us can talk.'

He lead us to a small table at the back of the room.

'It's the best spot to attend to the show, believe me,' he said. 'Although it won't really be useful to you, Brian, darling.'

Just after having sat, he rose to his feet and ordered a coffee at the counter. When he sat back again, he leaned towards his friend and whispered rather loudly:

'Brian, can I have a word with you? Does your friend talk?'

Whoops. He was so peculiar that I had actually forgotten that I was not only attending to the scene.

'Course I do, sorry. Pleased to meet you, Freddie,' I smiled.

'Oh my God, she's got such a sweet voice! Do you sing, darling?'

'Not really. I play the piano though,' I answered with a blush.

'And what do you play?' he asked, seeming really interested.

'Mostly classics' I said, even if it was 'Only classics' that I meant.

'Beethoven? Brahms? Haendel? Chopin, maybe?'

'All of them.'

'I like you. What's your name, sister-of-Brian?'

'Jenny.'

'Do you play for yourself or for your studies?'

'Both.'

'Better and better. And ...'

'Stop it Fred' interrupted Brian. 'You're going to scare her.'

Freddie frowned as if he were offended.

'Brian, the only way to get to know her is to ask her questions! How else can we know if she is worthy of becoming your girlfriend?'

'I'm like his sister, sorry,' I laughed. 'Why don't you tell me more about yourself? This way I can know if you are worthy of attending to the show in my company.'

'Oh, Brian, I like you sister more and more. She's great. Such a shame you two are not attracted by each other. Maybe she will be more interested by Tim, what do you think? I don't think Roger would do for her. Do you like musicians, darling?' he asked me.

'Most of my friends play music' I honestly answered. 'But don't bother to find me a boyfriend, I don't want one.'

'Are you sure?'

He looked so disappointed that I had to laugh.

'I'm not a groupie.'

'Alright, alright. What about me?'

Brian grunted.

'Freddie, you already have Mary. Don't tell me you have forgotten?'

'It was just to study her reaction, my dear.'

'Study something else, won't you ? I don't want her to run away.'

'Funny how much he cares about you' Freddie told me. Then he began to stare at some point above my head and exclaimed :  
'Guys! You are so punctual that I feel like I'm going to cry!'

Brian turned his head too and smiled at the two men. I looked at them reluctantly, because I already knew who they were. One was the guy Madeline had thrown herself onto, the other had written the song I was kind of obsessed with. Really, I had enough to deal with with only Freddie.

Avoiding their eyes, I kind of nodded to greet them. I hoped they would sit and forget I was there, but it was without taking Freddie's cheerfulness into account.

'This is Jenny, guys! Nice girl, I like her, though she doesn't want to date with any of us. She plays the piano too!'

'Glad to meet you, Jenny. I'm Tim' said the first guy. He too had long hair, and I asked myself in desperation if I would ever meet with a man with shorter hair than mine in that pub.

Nevertheless, I smiled at him, hoping that Brian wouldn't give me away. He didn't, but trouble came from someone else.

'Wait a minute. Aren't you the girl who didn't like the show? The friend of that girl ... What was her name?'

Oh no.

'Come on Rog, you talked about that girl all the time for almost three days! Now don't pretend you don't remember her name!'

This was Tim. The other shook his head and I instantly looked somewhere else. There was no way I was to be attracted by this guy.

'I do pretend it. I didn't have to call her to make here come, if you know what I mean. But you!' he said, pointing at me. 'How come you're back?'

My cheeks were so hot that I couldn't expect anyone not to notice it. It couldn't get worse, so I looked at him right in the eyes and, trying to ignore my pounding heart, I said :

'Ethnography. I am studying how you strange people live.'

'That's my Jenny!' shouted Freddie, patting me on the shoulder as if we had known each other forever. 'Now, Brian, I think you could defend your sister a little more.'

'She knows how to defend herself, I'm not worried for her' smiled his friend. 'Hasn't she made Roger silence?'

'Oh, true! The silence is astonishing! Come again whenever you want Jenny, I'll always be happy to see you!'

There was a question that I kept asking myself. And then, before I could stop myself, I said :

'So ... Did she succeed?'

'Who?'

I blushed again, but now the harm was done.

'Madeline. She succeeded? You two went on a date?'

The drummer frowned.

'No exactly a date ... She didn't fancy a movie so we ...'

He stopped, making a face. One second later, he was jumping on one of his feet, holding the other in his two hands.

'It hurts, May!' he shouted, and I understood he was addressing to Brian.

'Don't say those things to my little sister,' said quietly the other, apparently very satisfied with himself.

'She asked!'

'And you're not together anymore?' I went on.

'We never were together ... Don't hit me mate!' he warned Brian.

'Why do you want to know that, Jenny?' asked Tim. 'Aren't you supposed to be friend with the girl?'

'She never called me back, so I thought she was mad at me. In fact, I thought I had ruined her chances with you' I said, looking at Roger.

'Don't worry for her. She had what she wanted, and then she left when she had had enough' said the blond, looking defiantly at Brian as he spoke.

'But you know, you should bother to see her again. She said unfriendly things about you... Do like me, avoid her ...'

'Oh ... Alright ...'

Brian punched Roger again on the shoulder.

'What did I do now?!'

'Nothing. But it's time to go, we're playing soon.'

On hearing that, the two there members of the group sprang to their feet.

'I'll stay with you darling, don't worry,' Freddie told me. 'This way we can denigrate them as much as we want.'

I was pretty sure he couldn't do such a thing, so I agreed. And indeed he didn't.

I don't know if it was linked to me, but this time the band played Earth twice. It opened and ended the show. Freddie was keen on every song. Yet, he would sometimes shake his head and mumble 'I wouldn't have made it this way ... I shall tell them to ...' When I tried to wipe my tears discretely after the second Earth, he squeezed my arm.

'Don't tell them' I urged him.

'A secret between us? Great! Now we're friends forever!'

I laughed and cried at the same time. This was a sum up of the effects music had on me.  
Instead of joining the customers who went to talk to the band after the show, we waited at our table. They joined us half an hour later. Roger was the first to talk to me.

'So Jenny, I've been told that you hate the noise of drums. Did you like the way I played louder than usual for you?'

I couldn't help but laugh. I had noticed, actually, and I hadn't exactly loved it, even though I was getting used to it. But I wouldn't give him the pleasure to silence me.

'Did you? I rather thought you were in low spirits tonight ...'

A huge smile spread on his face.

'Okay, she's nice, I have to admit it' he told the others.

They all sat down. We stayed there until it was time for the pub to close, talking of so various subjects that I couldn't remember them all. Yet I know that I had fun listening to them and sometimes joining them. It was a whole new world for me. And I really liked it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want to let me know what you think, I'd be delighted! See you soon for chapter 4 anyway


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Big event coming ahead! I hope you'll like it.

Brian and his kindness. Freddie and his enthusiasm. Tim and his quickness of mind. Roger and his frankness. I grew more and more fond of them as weeks came one after the other and that winter settled itself upon London, freezing the cars at dawn and making people hurry getting home at twilight.

They seemed to like me, too. Freddie introduced me to his girlfriend, Mary, and soon we became shopping partners, seeing each other outside of the pub. Charlotte joined us twice and the two of them seemed to get along pretty well.

My schedule was perfect. During the day, I attended to my classes and played classical music as well as ever. I was focused, I laughed with Charlotte, and I joined the orchestra when necessary. I spent many of my evenings with the band, Freddie and Mary, either at the pub or at the flat the boys shared. And when I finally reached my bed, exhausted but happy, I dreamed more than once that I was leaving Earth without any hope of coming back. However, these dreams didn't distress me as they had used to. I was calmer.

However, heyday couldn't last forever. On December 19th, 1969, I really thought that nothing would ever be the same.

When I got in the pub, I didn't know it though. I greeted the band who sat as usual at the 'best spot' aka Freddie's favourite table.

'Question! I exclaimed as they huddled together to make me some room. 'Why don't you rehearse before the beginning of your shows?'

'Why don't we, guys?' asked Brian to his mates.

'Because we already play like if it was heaven' boasted Roger as if it was obvious.

'What do you think, Tim? Tim?'

But Tim wasn't in the mood to answer, so I spoke again.

'Actually, I don't think you play like if it was heaven.'

'Do you want to fight, Jenny?' Roger said, and I smiled to him, even if I didn't look him in the eyes (this was my best strategy so far. I could be friend with him, but in order to be comfortable I avoided to look at him as much as I could. This guy was too pretty for my sake).

'It's more like hell. If there was a heaven, classical music would embody it. Don't you think?'

'Yeah she's right' said Freddie. 'The devil is more likely to come to one of our gigs than a bunch of angels.'

'You forget about Jenny and Mary' Brian corrected him.

'Oh, we're not angels, are we Mary?' I laughed.

'Maybe we were some day, but then we stepped into this devilish pub, and acquired bad musical taste!'

Mary kissed Freddie. Soon afterwards, the three musicians stood up.

'Why wouldn't you come with us in the back room today?' suggested Roger. 'You could attend to the show as well as from here.'

That's what we did, sitting on the worn-out sofa of the back room while they played. I had seen the boys rehearse, but it was yet another perspective. It was cool.

It was when they got back there after playing that our world began to fall apart. They had sat on the floor, all sweaty and tired, when Tim cleared his throat.

'Oh, but he's about to speak!' shouted Freddie.

'Really darling, you sang with such a small voice tonight that we could barely hear you with Roger's drums!'

'What about my way to drum, now, Fred!'

'Please Rog, let Tim speak' his friend snapped back with a big smile.

'Okay. Well. There's a group that has asked me to join them. I think I'm gonna say yes. I just wanted you to know.'

I looked at him, frozen. I couldn't believe my ears, and yet it was true, and the others didn't seem to have trouble coping with it as much as I had.

'I'm sorry. This ought to be a band-only debate. We shall leave you now.'

It was Freddie. He rose to his feet and offered Mary and I a hand to help us leave the couch.

'We leave you to it, guys' he said.

'Bye' Mary and I said in a blank tone.

They mumbled back and we left them there, staring at one another as if their eyes were speaking.

 

After that, I wasn't sure I would find anyone at the pub on the next Friday. It was one day after Christmas, and though it had been snowing the previous night (right on time for Christmas!) I managed to get there.

Brian was there, but there was no sign of the others.

'I don't know if we ought to look for a new singer, or if we should stop everything' Brian told me when I raised the matter after talking about various topics. 'What is sure is that Roger and I are going to make a break, at least for a few weeks. Both of us have exams in January - he told you he's to become a dentist, I assume - so Tim didn't pick up the worst moment. This way we have time to study. There isn't really a song that the two of us can perform on our own, even if we can sing.'

He seemed a little down, but it wasn't surprising. I didn't dare to ask him what was the name of the band Tim had joined. What I was pretty sure of was that I would not see him again for some time. Which was a shame, because we were kind of friends ... But it was him who was leaving us, not the opposite, I reasoned.

'So now, make me think about something else, will you Jenny? What's up since last week?'

'Nothing.'

'Oh, come on, you liar!'

'I'm gonna be in charge of my own recital!' I exclaimed, unable to keep it for me anymore and forgetting Tim at once.

'How wonderful, little sister!' said Brian, and I could see he was truly happy for me. 'But what does it imply?'

'I'll be playing in February and ... Well, there are gonna be two parts. During the first, I'll play the usual stuff, but I am free to pick up the pieces I want. And during the second part, I'll play my own pieces!'

'I didn't know you composed yourself.'

'I have made some stuff, like everyone I think, but I just don't like it anymore. It's too simple. So I've got to work harder than ever!'

'And will we be allowed to attend to your recital?'

'You must!' I grinned. 'You three will be the longest-haired boys that my department ever saw.'

'I love you so much, Jenny' he said, and it was awesome because there was nothing to feel awkward about.

'I love you too.'

And then I added :

'Think of it when you'll be working on your astronomy !'

 

I didn't see the boys during three weeks after I had seen Brian at the pub, although I had called the latter thrice on the phone. He seemed focused on his studies and told me that Roger was working a lot too. I was already dreading my forthcoming recital, and every time I had a break I would try to compose a piece. But I didn't like it. I had no inspiration. Every time I came out with a melody, I could relate it with a classical piece I had heard at some point. It was nothing but a medley.

'Come on Jenny! Don't you have a personality of your own?' I kept repeating to myself. But it was useless.

So when the phone rang on the 23rd of January and my mom shouted 'Jenny! Telephone for you! Some Freddie-I-didn't-get-his-surname! Shall I say you're out?' I was glad to run down the stairs and hear Freddie who said something like 'Darling, Brian gave me your phone number. I need you to come at our flat. Right. Now. Nothing to worry about, just come.'

It was scheming, and besides it was a break more than welcome. An hour later, I was sitting on a couch between Brian and Mary. Roger was sitting on an armchair. Freddie kept pacing, saying nothing. Finally I couldn't wait anymore.

'What's going on?'

He didn't answer.

'You know I had already put my pyjamas on. I had to dress up for you, so you could tell me. I sense you all already know what he has to say, right?' I asked the others.

They smiled silently.

'Well then, I ought to know. Have you decided to become England's next prime minister?'

'Better than that.'

' ... England's next queen?'

'You're there! Oh, I knew she had a gift!'

'Wait ... What?'

'I'm Queen's new lead singer!' burst out Freddie at last.

'Oh. Great.'

So Freddie was leaving us too. Funny how I thought there was an 'us'. I was apparently the only one to think so ... But then, Freddie went on:

'And Queen is Smile's new name.'

'No!' I shouted, unable to believe it. It was too wonderful to be true.

'Well, yes.'

I couldn't help it. I jumped for joy, shouting 'How great! Great name! Best band ever! I'm so happy!' and other things even more stupid. The others joined me. It seemed as if our smiles would never leave our faces again. I hugged Brian, then I hugged Mary and then Freddie. I avoided Roger in a pretty discreet way, even if I had to look at him when I told him how much I was glad. We are good friends, really, and I did act like a friend.

'Sit down darling,' finally said Freddie. 'There is something else I want to tell you.'

I sat, holding Brian's left arm with my hands.

'Is it another good news? Because if so, I'm not sure I can endure it without collapsing' I teased.

'It's more of a request, actually.'

I waved my free hand at him. 'Go on.'

'So our dear Tim left Smile because things weren't going as fast as he wanted them to be.'

Roger tried to speak but Freddie cut him short.

'Let me go on and it will be the last time I mention it. So Smile wasn't becoming famous as fast as that car you fancy so much, what's its name again, Rog? - No, don't tell me! - I think Queen is going to outrace that car, but to do so ... We need to do something different from the other bands that are struggling in every London pub. We need to be ... Well, Queens.'

'And how are we supposed to do that?' asked Roger.

Which was a good question, actually.

'This is where Jenny can help us. She plays classical music. If we could use some patterns from that music, and 'rock' it ...'

'The way you put it, it may work' said Brian cautiously. 'But we all know what classical music is like. I can't figure out how we could ...'

'This is why we need to listen to Jenny while she plays! All you have in mind is an abstract idea of classical music! With Jenny, it will be real, with real piano sheets and whatever!'

The three boys remained silent for some time. Finally, Brian said.

'I'm in.'

'Yeah, me too' added Roger begrudgingly. 'But I warn you, Jenny, my ears may bleed as much as yours did when you first heard us playing.'

'I'm sure you'll recover in the end.'

'I discussed this with Mary on our way here, but you, Jenny? What do you think? Will you do us the honour?'

I let a goofy smile spread on my face again. More music, more Queen, more friends, what else could I ask for?

'Course I will.'

 

On a dreary day of early February, I entered the soundproof room that the band had hired lately. No one was there yet. I sat beside the old-fashioned piano. The sound was alright. I began to pace up and down the room. Roger's drum kit was already there, along with an old guitar in a corner. I tried to use it but the sound was horrible. Then I started pacing again. Finally, I lied down on the one and only couch that was there. Something told me that they wouldn't be here soon. I had been awake very late the night before, trying to think of something for the masterpiece I was supposed to write. I was alone to face it. Charlotte had offered me her help many times, but I felt like it ought to be me and only me. Yet I wasn't getting anywhere, and the recital was to take place in less than three weeks. This explained why I hadn't slept a lot for some time.

The sound of an opening door made me wake up. I sat my eyes, rubbing my eyes.

'At last!' I shouted. 'Oh, hi Roger, you're alone? Then I can go back to sleep until the others come.'

And I closed my eyes again.

'I'm afraid you're gonna have to wake up now' said Roger, and I could sense the corners of his mouth were twitching.

'They're coming? Alright!'

I sprang to my feet, suddenly fully awake. I was about to play in front of them. Right now. Anxiety sprang from my stomach, reaching every part of my body. I had played in front of many people in my life. But it wouldn't be another way. And it was this angst that allowed me to play without pressing the wrong tiles.

'Slow down, Jenny!' Roger said. 'I'm sorry but there's only me. Freddie's sister Kash needed him urgently and Brian is ill. He's puked five times today and I've been nursing him since 5 in the morning, so I can assure you that if he could he would have come but ... Well, so they sent me instead of them, and I'll have to report everything you said and describe precisely what you played and how, so I wouldn't feel relieved if I were you.'

I didn't feel relieved at all, but still.

'Doesn't matter. But did you get an appointment with the doctor for Brian?'

'Don't worry, all he has to do is sleep in a warm place. He will recover before you've had time to say 'Beethoven'.So, what are you going to play?'

'I thought I would begin with Lulli. It's really soft and there's no stake in it. Pure music without a story in it, it's all about fun - well maybe not for you, but at that time.'

'Wait' Roger stopped me, taking a notebook in his backpack. 'What was the guy's name? Brian and Freddie are going to kill me if I don't take notes.'

'L-u-l-l-i. He lived during Louis 14's reign in France.'

'Okay, right,' said Roger, who really seemed to have fun being the good student. 'I'm ready!'

I slowly reached the piano, sat and stretched my hands. Then I closed my eyes, opened them again. I laid my hands on the tiles. I was ready too.

And I began playing. As I had told Roger, there didn't seem to be any problem in the world Lulli had created in his music. Everything was perfect in it. It didn't seem real. Yet, it had once been my favourite piece, the one I always played when I was not in the mood. But for some time now, I was rather turning towards darker pieces. Some that were more adequate with the world ... With the Earth.

Nevertheless, I played heartily. I wanted Roger to be aware of the world that was living in it. I knew he sat on the couch behind me. When I had plucked the last notes, I turned to face him and glanced at him. Then I focused on a stain on the wall, just above him, and asked:

'So, what do you think?'

'This is like heaven. I understand what you meant now.'

I looked at him again, bewildered.

'One day you said classical music was rather like heaven, and that our music, with the band, was more like hell. I got it.'

'Ah, yes. So ...'

'So what Queen has to do now is to stand in the gap between hell and heaven.'

I didn't answer.

'What's your next piece?'

'Mendelssohn. Romance without words. Op. 19 n. 1'

He wrote it down carefully, a strand of hair hiding a part of his face. It was difficult for me not to stare. I had to be focused, and not on him.

'I like it more than the first. Isn't there any ... Agressive music you could play' he said when I was done.

'Let me see what I can find.'

I thought for a moment and played a furious waltz.

'But remember,' I told him. 'You don't have to like what I play. You've got to figure out what you can take from it.'

'Of course.'

And I went on, offering him a sample of every composer I had fancied in my life.

'We're done,' I smiled afterwards. 'You're free!'

I stood up, but he made a move towards me with the drumsticks he had picked up while I played.

'Wait a minute! Brian told me you write your own pieces?'

'Yes, and it's awful. Something's missing in it. I can feel it, I know it, but I can't figure out how to make it better.'

'Play for me, please.'

So I did play. I played to Roger that piece that I struggled on everyday, the piece that even to me sounded dreadful because there was no spark in it. It didn't distinguish itself from all the pieces that were heading towards oblivion. I played, chord after chord, note after note. I knew it by heart, but when I played the main theme again, something was different. Roger had joined me, playing the drums. The cymbal added something every time something was missing. It filled the gaps. And then I heard 'Don't stop playing!' and the sound of drums stopped. Seconds later, I heard 'Can you start the main theme again?' I obeyed and soon I heard an electric guitar. Roger was playing. I had no idea he could and it almost made me stop.

The sound of those two universes, mixed, was kind of weird - it would have been to anyone who would have entered the room at that moment. But to me, it was an answer. For the first time, I took pleasure in playing that piece that had gave me so much trouble. And Roger was playing along, making it worth hearing. At the end of it, I began once more and he kept playing, either picking the guitar or beating the drums.

And then we stopped. I didn't turn to face him. I stayed there, my hands still on the piano, my head full of all the things that I would add to my sheet. It was not meant to be a classical piece. It was meant to be a combination of rock and classical music. It was the only way to make it fully exist.

'I think you've found your own gap.'

'What?'

'The gap between heaven and hell. The gap between our two musics. Now we stand in the in-between, somehow. Don't you think?'

This was so right. I nodded.

'Jenny,' he said a few moments later. 'Can I ask you something?'

'Come on, ask again' I answered quietly.

'Why don't you ever look at me into the eyes?'

'It's not true.'

'Really? Do it, then.'

I slowly turned on my sit to face him. He was still sat behind his drums. The guitar laid against the back wall. He was gazing at me, and I gazed back at him for a few seconds before looking away.

'I looked at you. I did. What's the reward?' I said playfully as if there was no stake - as if I didn't feel my heart bump in my chest, afraid that he would make fun of me because he had understood.

'Liar.'

'False.'

'True.'

I shrugged as if I didn't care. 'Whichever you wish.'

I looked at my nails. They were so fascinating. I would look at them for the rest of my life.

'Jenny.'

'What!?' I shouted back.

'I thought we were friends.'

'We are.'

'So why aren't you able to look at me? You don't like the way I look?'

I sniggered.

'You are too handsome for my mental health. Are you happy now?'

'Quite. Thanks.'

I had no idea of what his reaction was. But now that I had begun, I went on. To discuss the matter and then drop it forever.

'I'm afraid that if I look at you too much, especially in the eyes, I might fall in love with you, which would be stupid, because it would be unrequited love and you would throw me after some days like all these groupies that are so fond of you. Like you did with Madeline.'

Now I had two reasons to avoid his gaze. I turned again to face the piano. But I heard his voice call my name again.

'Jenny. Look at me.'

What could I do but look at him, even though I did it reluctantly? So I stared at him, and this time I didn't break eye contact. He was so handsome. His eyes were so black. There was mystery in them. It seemed as if they told me story that I could not explain with words, just feel. His blond hair was like a halo.

I shivered, then I turned once more towards the piano.

'Why are you doing this to me?' I asked feebly, but no answer came. 'I think I'm falling in love with you now. It aches.'

'Being in love doesn't have to be painful.'

'If it's not shared, it has to.'

And suddenly I felt his body pressed against my back. His right hand touched my hair. I could smell his scent.

'Good news, then. I think I'm falling in love with you too.'

And I shivered again, and my heart was bumping in my chest like if it wanted to go out, to hide somewhere else because it was no longer safe for it.

'I don't have anything to make you love me' I finally said.

His contact ached, but I couldn't break it.

'You're honest. I never thought I would meet so honest a grown-up. You are kind. You know how to silence me. You are strong.'

I was not in the least strong at that moment, but this lack of strength also meant that I couldn't say anything.

Slowly, he made me stand up and face him. He looked at me right into the eyes.

'You are so beautiful. Plus, someone told me that when you stare too much at someone, you've got to fall in love with her.'

'If it worked like that, you would fall in love all the time.'

'Why do you think I love sunglasses so much?'

I let out a small laugh.

'Jenny. It's only because it's you.'

He leaned closer towards me, and it happened. Our lips met. His kiss was gentle, so gentle it could be nothing, and yet he was kissing me, or I was kissing him, it was the same. I let my fingers run through his hair and I felt tears coming in my eyes. Because I wasn't only in love with a guy. I was in love with perfection itself. I liked every word he said. I liked his way of playing the drums. I liked the way he spoke about rock and cars and so much things I didn't know anything about. I liked his humour and his laugh and his way to enter a room. For months, I had been paying attention to all those little details. I cared since the beginning. I would just hide it under the name of friendship. And Roger was still my friend. A friend I loved a little more than I ought to.

At last he broke our kiss, pressing one last time his lips against mine.

As he stepped back, he frowned and grabbed me by the shoulders.

'You're crying? Are you hurt? 'Cause I'll never hurt you, you know. I'll protect you from everything I can ...'

I waved no.

'You're too perfect, that's all.'

'I'm afraid I can't do anything for that' he smiled.

It seemed so easy for him. It wasn't for me. I was feeling so awkward that I wasn't even sure that I wanted him to kiss me again. If I could believe he really loved me, it would have been different. But, despite everything he had said, I couldn't. I was not his type, I couldn't be. I wasn't a sophisticated girl, I wasn't a Madeline who would attract boys. I was only Jenny, and though I was satisfied with it and wanted it to be so, I also knew that it usually kept boys at a distance.  
He seemed to understand that all wasn't well in my head, or maybe he had changed his mind concerning his 'feelings'. At any case, he left shortly after, kissing me on the cheek and saying 'I'll leave you to it. I think you'd rather focus on you piece. But you'll back at the pub on Friday, right?'

It was not until some minutes after he had left that I understood what he alluded to. My piece! My gap between heaven and hell! I looked for a pencil and a blank sheet in my bag. I was gonna rock this flat thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who left kudos, it was so cool! And also thanks to the person who bookmarked this story, I'm so proud to be bookmarked, you can't even know.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the end, hold your breath and count to ten ... Oh no, wrong fandom, sorry!  
> Anyway, I hope you'll like this last chapter. I'm not fully satisfied with it, but let me know what you think!

'Roger kissed me. Roger kissed me,' kept repeating my mind as I was trying to shut it down. I was trying really hard, you know, but it didn't work in the least because every time I slept enough to dream I would see him, drumming during one of the band's gigs, or grinning next to other people with his hair so soft and blond.

Of course I was falling in love. To be true, I was already in love. And it was not one of my life goals so I did not know what to do with it. I couldn't just forget it, even though it was what I was trying to do. So I kept repeating myself, when I was honest with myself, that he probably didn't love me, which solved the problem pretty well. Didn't it?

However, I didn't have much time to focus on my feelings. I worked all day long and part of the night. My piano concert would soon take place, and I was rewriting my piece. I had so much ideas that I doubted I could use them all. I sketched chords during classes, and everyday at lunchtime I disappeared in one of the little soundproof rooms the uni had, to test some of my creations, eating from time to time a bite of a cheese-less sandwich Charlotte used to bring me after her own lunch. She would gladly have stayed with me, but I didn't allow her to. I wanted this piece to be a surprise, I told myself and everyone who asked (Charlotte, my parents, teachers, neighbours and other classmates, and the baker). Plus, I had noticed that, during some parts of the piece, I couldn't help smiling or frowning. This would have been difficult to explain to outsiders.

When Friday came, I found it more difficult than expected to leave my piano and go to the Europa pub. I dreaded to see Roger again, although I didn't think of it that way. Officially, I needed that time to focus on my own music. This is why I left home late, missed that damn bus and got down at the wrong stop. Moaning that being a Londoner wasn't of any use in life, I finally got in the pub half and hour later than I had planned to. The show had already begun.

Honestly, if I (sadly) hadn't been already in love, I would have fallen for Freddie.

I mean, I knew he could sing. But I didn't imagine he would sing like that. I thought it would be like when Tim was there. And obviously they were singing the same songs, but. It didn't sound like it. I remained there, next to the pub's threshold, my coat still on. I listened to Freddie's great-oh-so-great voice. It swinged and jumped and I couldn't have assumed that anybody on earth would have a voice like that. And his voice matched perfectly with Brian's guitar and Roger's drums. They were a pack. Each of them made the others sound better.

After some time, I managed to move again and found a table. I set my eyes on the band, observing them as if my life depended on them. And really, they had changed my life. They had changed it since that September night.  
At the end of one song, Freddie took the mic and said:

'Thank you, people, you are truly amazing! Now I'm addressing to my bandmates. Guys, look at who's at the back of the room!'

He blinked at me. Brian's smile widened and I could feel from here that Roger was gazing at me.

'Now, we're going to play a song called Doin Alright!' he announced, and the dream went on.

These three were just meant to play together.

 

I had been wondering how things would go after the end of the show, but it all unrolled naturally. Roger greeted me as if nothing happened between us, even though I could have sworn that he had pressed my forearm in a particularly friendly way. And my heart bumped in my chest the way it only did when it was him or when I climbed to much stairs at a time.

They were eager to hear my opinion and I tried to tell them relevant things. And we chatted as usual, and Mary, who had been attending to the show from the backstage, was here too, and I was surprised to discover how much I had missed them all.

In the end, they drove me back home in the van at an early hour in the morning. I half crawled on my way to bed, exhausted and happy in a way I had no strength to describe properly.

Seeing Roger played a part in my state, actually.  
I kept repeating myself that I would decide what was to be done when the recital would be behind me.

* * *

D-Day. The end of my life. I was ready.  
Or not, but I was not to dig in that feeling too hard. I just felt like it ought to stop.

So I paced through the rehearsal room at the back of my uni's concert hall. I was already wearing a black dress that was pretty simple. Once more, Charlotte had been my saviour. It was she who had lent it to me.

Don't be mistaken. When I am a proper world-known artist, I shall buy my own dresses. But right now, I don't feel alright with something so elegant in my wardrobe. So every time there is a special event, Charlotte is there for me. As she was there that day.

'Charlotte?' I asked, stopping to move for one tiny second before beginning to walk again.

'Yes Jenny?'

She was sitting on a chair near the piano. Piano that I hadn't touched since I had got in. I just couldn't. I was afraid my hands would be shaking too much of I tried to use them.

'Could you, uh ... Could you join the crowd in the concert hall and find three guys with long hair and Mary, you know, the girl we did shopping with once? Could you make sure they have good seats?'

'I guess ...' she said not absolutely sure I wasn't joking.

'I will be alright now. There is not much time to wait. You can stay there, make sure you have a good sit too.'

'Alright ... But how will I know it's them?'

'You'll know when you see them. Long hair, I told you.'

Somehow, talking about my friends calmed me down a little. I breathed in and out, and a tiny smile finally spread on my face. I could feel my face muscles struggling.

'This will either be my end or my triumph.'

'Sad we don't ask people to bet then' said Charlotte lightly. 'Take care of my dress, Jenny!'

And then she was off, throwing me one last glance.

Maybe I should have told her about my rock life in London's pubs, I thought. She might be a little surprised ...

One of my teachers came soon after Charlotte had left. She clapped her hands.

'Are you ready, miss Brinlaw? It will be up to you in a minute.'

I managed to grimace at her and resumed my pacing. If I stopped, everything would go wrong. I knew it as surely as I knew we were in 1970.  
I don't know how it happended, but next time I was conscious, I was sitting in front of the black grand piano of the concert hall. The silence was deafening. I could feel the light glow all around me, people looking at me.

I looked at my own hands and raised them, halfway between my face and the keyboard.

'Come on Jenny. Rachmaninoff, concerto no.2, opus 18. Do as you were told.'

Eventually I didn't use my fingers to hide my face. I used them to play.

I played and I played and I played. And it was just as when I'm at home and I play for myself. The people gathered in the hall didn't really exist. There was only me and Rachmaninoff, and the music flowing from my fingertips.

Thirty minutes or so later, I stood up and people applauded. I thanked them with much dignity and retreated in the welcoming shadows of the rehearsal room as fast as I could. And started pacing again. Because I had only gone through the easiest part. Rachmaninoff was pretty tricky to play, alright. But it was not my own piece. Not something I had nursed from first to last chord, thinking over each note, sometimes bursting with inspiration, other times thinking it would never do.

When the ten minutes intermission was over, I walked back in automatically. Sat without thinking much more. My last thought went to the atmosphere that was in the air when Roger, Brian, Freddie and Tim were together, discussing music. If I could make people feel the tenth of what I felt when I was with them, I would consider I had fulfilled my role.

And I smiled before opening my wrists above the keyboard.

There were different stages in 'Melodies from the gap', as I had named it. During the first stage, the notes were echoing to one another, almost fighting. At least, they didn't mix. I wanted the beginning to startle people like I had been when I had first heard rock. Only this time it was only me and the piano, and I was on the right side. From part to part, I smoothed the notes, classical music gradually going along the more modern one. I felt it as I played: it was powerful. It was like a laugh from someone who has understood it all. I closed my eyes as I kept playing. Of course I knew it by heart. It came from the very gap that I felt in my soul. Once I had been only able to like heaven. Now I was in the in-between. Two worlds were crossing under my fingers.

I smiled and plucked the last chords. Then, slowly, I opened my eyes again, smiling.  
And people applauded me more than before. Or at least, it was how I perceived it. Now that I was so relieved, I started distinguishing faces among the crowd of people sitting on the red seats. Strangers. Students from my classes. My parents, looking proud. Some teachers, frowning or smiling. Charlotte, looking surprised but delighted. And next to her, Mary. Freddie. Brian ... Roger.

Brian caught my eyes and moved his lips. I managed to understand him:

'Wonderful, little sister.'

I had a double thumbs up from Freddie and Mary.

After bowing one more time, I tried to melt into the crowd, but I was stopped at every step I took because of people coming to congratulate me. Which made me happy and proud, and grateful, because I hadn't expected such positive reactions, considering my surprising personal piece. One of my teachers gave me an appointment in his office for the next week, because 'we need to discuss seriously about your career, my dear' whereas another one told me that my studies were quite a waste of money, but I didn't really care. What I really wanted was to talk to Charlotte and to Mary and the boys.  
Finally, it was Charlotte who reached me first.

'Oh, Jenny, I had no idea of this side of you! You could have told me!' were her first words. 'We'll talk about it more later, you won't escape it, but for now: I liked it, and I also like your friends, even though I don't know where you picked them up. You'll have to tell me about that, too. Anyway, they are waiting for you in the great hall. They told me that they would wait until tomorrow morning. I really like them. Oh, you're so great!'  
And after hugging me, she left without even giving me time to thank her. Charlotte was the perfect friend. She just knew what I needed ... And what I needed right now was not to talk. I wanted to go somewhere calm and be in my friends' company, if they could keep silent. So eventually I made my way back in the once full of stress rehearsal room. I threw lightly my piano sheets in my bag and put on again my everyday outfit. Then I got out. I stood for a handful of seconds on the threshold of the concert hall. It was nearly empty now. There were only some slower people putting their coats on. I crossed it and nobody paid attention to me. With my jeans and jumper, I didn't look like the pianist who had played for them half an hour before.

And the band and Mary were waiting for me, and surprisingly Charlotte was there too, and they all greeted me, and after a while we decided that we'd better not be locked up in the building and agreed to look for some pub. 'Not the Europa pub though, it's too far.'

We all burst in laughter, except Charlotte who stared at us frowning as if she wondered if we hadn't all gone mad.

'Just wait for me five more minutes,' I said when I could speak again 'I need my coat.'

They agreed and I walked away while Freddie started explaining Charlotte what she hadn't understood.

One can never find his coat when he leaves it in the cloakroom. That's why I had to lift hole piles of clothes, trying to get back what belonged to me and grumbling. Music students tend to think it is kind of a storage room and they leave their stuff in it.

'Ah! There it is! I knew it!' I finally shouted.

'I'm happy for you then' said a low voice I knew by heart.

I turned around. Roger was there.

'You're wearing a suit' was all I could say.

I had been avoiding to look at him so much that I hadn't even realised.

'Well, yeah, I know how to behave at a concert. Sometimes, you are quite vexing Jenny' he answered quietly.

'Sorry.'

I folded my coat on my left arm, taking my time, and then I lifted my head again towards him.

'We should go now. Did you really think I could not find my coat on my own? Did they send you here to keep an eye on me?'

I tried to smile, but there was something in me that just couldn't. I tried to act as always but I loved him too much for that.

I walked towards him, but he didn't move as I expected him to. He was standing in front of the closed door, so I couldn't go out.

'I just came to congratulate you.'

'You already did.'

'Yeah, but I feel like I ought to do it one more time, because I heard your piece when it was not like that yet and ... You did such a great job. I really liked it. Do you think I might have the right to hear it again?'

Next things I knew I was kissing him with such strength that he hurt the door behind him. When I realised what I was doing, I tried to step back, but he grabbed my hips and held me tight against him. Well, I had no choice then. I had to kiss him.   
And it was no problem. Because I loved him and I couldn't just forget that love. It was as simple as that: I loved Roger, I had to let him be part of my life, and sure enough I would have to make adjustments but I didn't care. I let my fingers run through his hair. My coat was long forgotten on the floor. His hands wandered under my sweater and I shivered when I felt his skin against mine. He started playing the drums against my hips and I flattened myself even more against him.

'That's the other thing I wanted to tell you' said Roger when we were out of breath. 'I love you.'

'Rog, I got it. Just kiss me.'

And he did what I wanted, because it was my strength: I could make Roger do what I wanted.  
'The others!' I finally said after a while. 'They must be waiting for us!'

I tried to put some order in my hair but Roger didn't move. He stood still, smiling.

'They're not waiting.'

'... What?'

'I told them I love you. I told them to go.'

'You told them' I said, astonished.

'Yeah?'

'So you really love me.'

'That's basically what I meant when I said the words.'

'I love you too.'

Now I was able to look at him right into the eyes. Some of him belonged to me. I didn't claim for possession of the whole Roger, but - a bit of him was mine.

'I will never be tired of looking at you' I said.

'Well, I hope you're not tired yet of kissing me,' he said with a smile, considering my messy clothes.

'Shut up, you're not better than me!'

I leaned to kiss him, softly. Then I said:

'We're going to be stuck there for the whole night if we don't go now.'

'Can't say I didn't hope to be stuck in here with you' he groaned between kisses.

'Please. Rog. Stop.'

'You see?' he moaned, pretending to be sad. 'You've already had enough kissing!'

'Actually, no. I just meant we could find a better place to do so.'

There's something I might love even more than Roger, or let's say, at the same level: it's to make him shut. And at that moment he was shut, looking at me as if I were the most brilliant and astonishing creature in the world.

'You're not the one I pictured you were' he finally mumbled.

'Well, I want to be with you.'

'Damn good reason.'

We stared at each other. Being with him was not like being in heaven. It was perfect, but it had its own perfection, a perfection that was only our own. It was like being in the gap between hell and heaven.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!!! I hope there was not too much fluff :P

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this picturing the actors of Bohemian Rhapsody (it's less weird than dreaming about real people). So Roger looks like Ben Hardy in the movie (but I've got a problem with black eyes, so don't be surprised).  
> I do not own anything except the characters I created. I hope you liked it and that it wasn't too weird because English is not my first language.  
> And there will be 4 other chapters!


End file.
